Welcome to the W2Mnet Total Bellas review. I’m Jeremy Lambert, and you may know me from, well, you probably don’t know me. So hi, nice to meet you. Total Bellas is the spin off of Total Divas, which followed various WWE Female Superstars around as they had brunch and acted like high schoolers. Total Bellas will focus on Nikki Bella and Brie Bella and their men, John Cena and Daniel Bryan. It’s sure to be stupid and I’m not really sure why I’m reviewing it, but, here we are. So, let’s do this.

W2Mnet Total Bellas Season 1 Episode 1 Review: Cena’s Rules

Flash forward to the start of the show where John Cena lays down some house rules with the Bella family, including Daniel Bryan and John Lauranitis. First, he teaches them how to properly shut the door. DO NOT TRY YOUR LUCK!

Rewind. Now fast forward and rewind as they preview the season with various clips that we’re all going to see again. Nikki wants Brie and Bryan to move into the guest house as she recovers from her neck surgery. Brie thought this was a bad idea because she and Bryan would always be on the road, but, well, you know how that story goes 🙁 Clips from Bryan’s retirement ceremony and oh man, I’m crying again.

Nikki is set to get her surgery with John and her family by her side. He’s looking a lot smaller. Do WWE cameras add 10 pounds of muscle? Then we get footage of Nikki’s surgery, which I didn’t really need to see.

Brie and Bryan are moving in with Nikki and Cena. HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS!

Nikki informs us that Cena likes house guests, but wants them gone after two days. Nikki wants her family there for three months.

Kathy, that’s the Bella Mother, introduces us to Johnny Ace, and we get the story of how they all know each other. Fun fact: I was at the PPV when Cena and Lauranitis fought in a No DQ match. Bryan also wrestled Punk for the World Title on that card. I’ll give you one guess as to what the main event was.

Bryan and Brie arrive at Casa De Cena. Nikki lets us know that tonight is FANCY DINNER NIGHT! They do this once a week. For you Total Divas’ fans, think of this as the weekly brunch that the Divas always had. Everyone gets dressed up. Bryan and Brie don’t wear shoes because the rule is “no shoes in the house.” But, you have to wear shoes to the formal dinner. Obviously.

Same clip of Cena laying down the house rules from the intro. Except it’s three times longer. Everyone looks around with a face that says, “It’s not that Cena doesn’t want to change with the rest of wrestlers, it’s that they don’t want him to change with them because of all his damn rules.” My favorite rule was Cena threatening to shoot someone if they didn’t let him know they would be up late.

I should note that JJ, the Bella Brother, is present as well. He does not have a significant other, but it’s cool, cars need four wheels.

The men and the ladies pair off and go to separate rooms. Cena and Bryan talk wrestling and Bryan’s future. What a downer this Cena guy is. After the dinner, Josie (Brie and Bryan’s dog), licks Bryan’s face and nose for a good five minutes. Then he kisses Brie. That’s love.

Bryan is off to Comic-Con while everyone else goes out to happy hour. This family eats and drinks a lot. Cena is wearing a hell of a purple suit. Seamen and dick jokes follow. Nikki wonders if Brie is pregnant because she’s eating pickles. “You have to have sex to get pregnant,” says Brie. With the recent news, we can confirm that Brie and Bryan have had sex since this episode was recorded. Eventually, they move onto a discussion about Cena and Nikki’s sex life as Bella Mother walks away. Brie let’s us know that Bryan doesn’t like quickies. I feel like that reminds him of a Wrestlemania match and that’s why.

Another drinking session at some other place and we’re still talking about sex, baby.

Cut to John Cena being creepy with a blow up donut and swan. Josie, not one for Cena’s creepiness and house rules, bites Cena. He sold it pretty well. Cena is obviously upset and wants them to call animal control to take the dog away.

Kathy, Nikki, and JJ are driving. There’s an alligator chilling on the side of the road. Luckily, the gator wranglers are there and all is fine. However, they were walking the dog in that area at some point.

Bryan apologizes to Cena for Josie. “What are we gonna do?” asks Cena. Bryan says it’s an anxiety issue. Of course the dog has anxiety with all the rules she has to follow.

Bryan, Brie, and JJ want to build a little doggie play area. They are going to ask for forgiveness instead of permission. Nikki catches them and, uh oh, they’re in big trouble misters. Brie is over all the rules and is ready to head home.

It’s weekly fancy dinner time again. Brie and Bryan disagree on who should tell Cena and Nikki that they are leaving. Brie agrees to jump in the line of fire. Nikki snitches on her sister and the dog fence. That discussion leads to Nikki dropping the bomb and letting Cena know that everyone is terrified of him. SERIOUS CENA HAS ARRIVED! After a brief discussion, Cena apologizes for making them uncomfortable and for basically being a complete psycho. And we end happy…..for now.

Final Thoughts: This episode taught me a lot about John Cena. I can see why he made it to the top of WWE and has been there for over 10 years. This guy is a madman. Once he sets his mind to something, he’s going to do it and you can’t tell him any different. The show still suffers from the same issues that Total Divas suffered from, namely all the quick cuts and the feeling that not a lot is going on even though everything is happening. I was hoping for some Bryan awesomeness, but he just seems uncomfortable at Cena’s. Plus, the whole, just had to retire from the only thing he’s ever known thing.

Overall, Total Bellas is another mindless reality show where stuff that happened six months ago is supposed to make us feel something even though we already know how everything turns out.