Previously: Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan move in with Nikki Bella and John Cena. Cena lays down the law, and Brie doesn’t have sex.

Total Bellas Season 1 Episode 2 Review: Quickie Fix

To begin with, Nikki, Brie, and Bryan jump right into the sex talk. Sex therapist Nikki Bella at work. Bryan seductively eats cake. “Just like our sex. Slow, but very good.”

Next, Bryan and Brie argue while driving as Nikki fears for her neck. So, lack of sex leads to bad driving. That explains a lot of women (and men) drivers.

Johnny Ace and Bella Mom talk about eloping. Bella Brother is all, “Just wait a bit. You’ve already been married twice.” Sure, but where those other two as dynamic as the dude she’s about to marry? I doubt it.

Cena tries to teach Brie how to drive stick. Shockingly, he’s very calm and patient with her. Ruin the truck with your poor stick driving techniques, no problem. Stay out a minute past 9PM, get shot.

Bella Brother’s sister-in-law comes over. WHERE IS HIS WIFE?!?!?! Bryan is disappointed to learn that his wife has been cheating on him with Cena’s stick. So he comes out with a revenge plot and will now cheat on Brie with Bella Brother SIL in the pool. In other words, the sister-in-law will teach Bryan how to swim, not Brie, cause Brie learned how to drive stick with Cena, and not Bryan.

Swimming fun with Bryan, Brie, Bella Brother, and Bella SIL. Just waiting for Jessie Spano to show up to try and drown someone.

Here’s Where Things Get Saucy…

Masturbation jokes now. Cena was a “mass debater” and Nikki’s first kiss was with a guy who had the last name Bader. Cannot not confirm if his first name was Ryan. Nikki continues to abuse Brie by making her do everything for her as she visits the doctor. Brie probably rethinking retirement right about now.

More sex talk as Brie plots a way to jump the bones of Daniel Bryan. The salt lamp is apparently a big turn on for Brie and Bryan.

It’s weekly dinner time before the men and women split and go to their quarters. Johnny Ace wants the guy’s advice on a prenup.  Bella Brother is not happy about this. Cena, of course, is all about contracts and compares it to buying a handgun. “It’s a security blanket.” Bryan offers a more sensible option, telling him to discuss it with Bella Mom and lawyers.

Bryan and Brie walk out of a room and Bryan’s hair is all messed up. OHHHHHHHH. So, they had a quickie. Brie, of course, immediately talks to Nikki about it. “We did it in the bathroom because I didn’t want to remake the bed. It’s the rules.” Admittedly, I laughed so hard at this.

Morning coffee and Nikki, right away, wants to discuss the quickie. Cena doesn’t want to know, which means Brie tells everything. Bryan crawls around like Finn Balor during all of this.

Bella Family lunch. Primarily, they all talk about the marriage. Bella Brother wants Bella Mom to be very careful. Brie is a little embarrassed that her mom has been married three times. We find out that Bella Mom was cheated on in her previous two marriages. They’re really ripping on Bella Mom here as Bella Brother makes it clear that he is totally against the marriage.

Loneliness and Convoluted Storytelling!

Nikki asks Brie and Bryan to spray tan her. Bryan is out. Nikki reveals that she just wants to hang out with Brie and Bryan. She’s feeling lonely because Cena is never around. And when Cena is around, she’s lying about what she’s eating, which upsets it. This whole story feels forced. Cena is around in like every scene. They have morning coffee every day and family dinner.

Nikki tells Cena that she wishes they had more time. Cena admits that he’s a freaking psycho, and rehabs 13 hours a day so he can come back from a year long injury in 6 months. He apologizes. So, that story ended quicker than it finished.

LANA IS HERE! She talks with Brie. And, wait, she doesn’t have an accent. In other words, Kayfabe officially dead. They talk about Brie’s retirement. So, I guess this whole show is pre-Wrestlemania, which is confusing considering that Brie is always around the house and not on the road. Maybe she took time off after Bryan’s injury? I can’t really remember, it was nine months ago.

3, 2, 1, DRAMA!

Brie tells Bella Mom that Johnny Ace is thinking about getting a prenup. She’s pissed.

Everyone except Brie and Bella Mom are sitting around the fire. Nikki calls Bella Mom, puts her on speaker, and Bella Mom reveals that Brie told her about the prenup conversation. This is all to build drama, but Cena provides a laugh as he fakes a bad cell phone connection before hanging up.

Bella Mom arrives home. Hell hath no fury like a woman twice divorced! She immediately confronts Johnny Ace about the prenup. Bella Mom isn’t mad about the prenup, which was already discussed. She’s explicitly mad about him discussing it with the men. Johnny Ace is all, “I’m part of the family. They are my family. I was looking for family advice. What’s the issue?” and Brie is all, “Damn. People power.” They kiss and make up.

Even Bella Brother has changed his tune and is now team Johnny Ace. Bella Mom reveals that she and Johnny Ace are getting married in three weeks. Nikki spills her mother’s wine and that’s the show.

Final Thoughts: I’m not going to rehash all of my issues with the show because you’ll hate me by the end of the series if you don’t already hate me. I will say that, issues aside, this episode provided me with a couple of good laughs. Bryan was wackier and seemed more comfortable while Cena was looser and not threatening to shoot people. Thumbs up for this episode.