Apologies for the lateness of this recap. Sometimes, you know, life gets in the way. However, I did write about Daniel Bryan and depression to hold all two of you Total Bellas fans over, so please check that out. It’s a personal and important topic.

Previously: Bryan and Nikki argued, Bryan got very sad, and Brie and Nikki argued.

Total Bellas Season 1 Episode 5 Review: Bella Family Secrets

Nikki and Brie discuss how truthful a person gets when they’re drunk. This conversation feels way too deep for them. Think about that.

Brie and Nikki are still on a bachelorette vacation with Big Johnny and Bella Brother, which is still really weird. Nikki and Brie have a serious talk. Brie tells Nikki that she hasn’t changed, she’s just become who she has always wanted to be. Nikki still can’t comprehend this. Brie now says that she thinks John took Nikki away from her. OH SNAP! Nikki finally realizes that maybe she’s been looking at this all wrong and that they both grew up, they found their loves, and they have less time for each other. THAT JUST MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE!

The Bella Family, minus the former WWE Champions, all have dinner. Brie informs the crew that she’ll be leaving this party to be by Bryan’s side. A smart decision. Big Johnny says that Bella Mom is the most beautiful woman at the table, and he’s totally lying to get laid. But hey, why not.

The chef brings out their food. But, SWERVE! It’s a stripping chef. I wouldn’t eat that food he brought out.

Brie has officially left as the Bella Bachelorette Brigade plots their day. Baby talk. Bella Brother wants a boy with Bella Sister In Law. Bella SIL worries that Bella Brother won’t love Bella Brother Baby if it’s not a Bella Boy. Got all that?

Bella Mom talks about her body issues from a previous marriage. She says that a previous husband said, “if I could cut off part of your thigh, then you’d be perfect.” He wasn’t saying that your thighs are fat, he’s saying that he’s a cannibal. Then, they take a bunch of selfies, and talk about how nice they all look.

Nikki reads all of the instagram comments about Bella Mom. Well, not all of them. Just the one’s that are appropriate for television.

Brie arrives home to Bryan. Brie tries to comfort Bryan, but Bryan still seems distant. I completely understand where he’s coming from, and this is kind of hard to watch.

Nikki talks with Bella Brother about Bella Brother Baby. Nikki tries to tell him that he’s going overboard with the “I want a boy” talk. Bella Brother explains that he wants to raise a boy to prove that he can raise a boy since he was never raised by his father. I guess that’s logical in the Total Bella universe. Then, he admits he’s gone overboard with the boy talk. WHY IS EVERYONE TO RATIONAL ON THIS EPISODE?!?!?!

It’s their last night in Naples. Bella Brother apologizes for talking so much about wanting a boy. Now, they all go out to get drunk, except Bella SIL cause she’s pregnant. WHY IS BELLA BROTHER HANGING AROUND HIS MOM AND SISTER AND THEIR HOT FRIENDS WHILE THEY GET DRUNK AND WILD?!?!?! GO HANG OUT WITH YOUR PREGNANT WIFE AND FETCH HER ICE CREAM AND WATCH NETFLIX!

Back in Tampa, John Cena makes his first appearance of the episode. He talks about hating the time he had to spend with Winston the Dog. Cena refuses to put over anyone, including his pet dog. The discussion moves to Brie and Bryan, the end of Brie’s career, and Bryan’s health. They all agree that it’s a sucky situation.

Bryan wants Brie to reassure him that there could be a small chance that the test is wrong. Aw man, he’s struggling so hard with this. Brie tries to be supportive, while also bracing him for reality. She’s in a really tough position. Brie does the best thing that she can do, which is give him a hug while he cries. This is so tough to watch. You know it’s something that’s actually real, and not some stupid reality show storyline, or a dumb argument that quickly gets solved.

Nikki and John go painting. Bella Brother is there because this guy just does not go away. Nikki asks John if Winston is ruining date nights. “Yes. Of course.” AHAHAHAHA! “Do you have a follow up question?” John Cena is the best character in reality show history. They all explain their art, and what it means. Cena drew a cumming dick, and tries to give it a deep meaning. I thought the show peaked when Bryan monkey wrestled with Sami Zayn, but Cena may have topped him with that bullshit explanation.

Brie talks with Bella SIL about her career coming to an end, and dealing with Bryan. Understandably, she’s having a tough time with things. Brie meets up with Bryan. She’s trying to get him out of the house to have some fun, which is a good thing.

Bella Brother, Bella Mom, Big Johnny, and Nikki sit around Casa De Cena. Big Johnny wants Bella Mom to tell her kids something, but he’s no selling the issue. Nikki and Bella Brother leave. The issue is a lump in Bella Mom’s breast. She thinks it’s nothing. However, Big Johnny wants her to get it looked at. She wants to keep it a secret until she knows whether or not it’s serious. I get her point, but I also get his point. Such is the dilemma of parenting, or something… I don’t know, I’m not a parent, and don’t have to tell my kids any bad news.

After that, Big Johnny ends up telling Nikki and Bella Brother about the lumps. Well, that’s not a smart move. It’s her business to tell. Obviously, Nikki and Bella Brother are glad to know this news, and want to talk to Bella Mom about it. Oh shit, Big Johnny about to be in trouble. Nikki brings it up with Bella Mom, and Bella Mom wants no part of this discussion on the eve of her wedding.

Bella Mom says she will get the lump checked out, but she wants to keep everything a secret from the rest of the family until they know the results. That seems fair. Then, Bella Mom and Nikki head to the doctor for tests. CLIFFHANGER!

Next week is the season finale. Already?