Total Bellas Review Season 1 Episode 6 Review: Wedding Mania

Total Bellas

It’s the season finale of Total Bellas. This season has flown by, which I guess makes sense considering that it was only six episodes. How will it end? Find out what happened 9 months ago, RIGHT NOW!

Previously: Bryan won’t wrestle again, Bella Mom has a lump in her breast.

Total Bellas Review Season 1 Episode 6 Review: Wedding Mania

“I don’t think there’s a man alive who opens the dryer, see their wives clothes, and thinks ‘I know how to fold these.’” Have I mentioned how much I relate to Daniel Bryan, and how he’s the greatest and smartest man ever? Brie is packing for her moms wedding. Bryan won’t be going as the doctors don’t want him traveling, and he doesn’t want to be around a bunch of people. Once again, I totally relate. It’s not even a depression thing. I would just rather sit on the couch and watch Total Bellas by myself than travel or hang out with people. Don’t laugh.

Nikki calls Brie to let her know that she’s at the doctor with Bella Mom. Poor Brie, just can’t catch a break.

The results are in: Bella Mom has a bulging implant. I’d like to make fun of this whole thing and their overreaction, but my mom is a breast cancer survivor, and it’s not a joke. I’m glad it’s nothing. I think it’s funny that it was just a bulging implant, but I don’t think it’s funny that she felt a lump, and had her children worried.

Nikki is forcing Brie to train MMA for…..reasons. If Brie trained MMA for 2 years, would she do better than CM Punk? It appears that the reason is so Brie can do cool MMA stuff in her last match. IT’S HER LAST MATCH! Everyone knew it was her last match. They wanted to see her throw kicks so they could chant “YES!” and do the Yes Lock. That’s it. It’s not like one MMA session is going to turn her into a world-class grappler. Just look at CM Punk. She has one match left. Let her do what she wants.

So this MMA coach, Neil Melanson (and Michael Chandler) basically teach her how to do the Yes Lock. Also, they teach her a version of the Yes Lock as a camel clutch escape. I hope they didn’t have to pay for this considering that she’s married to a guy who trains MMA grappling and, uh, USES THE YES LOCK IN EVERY MATCH! Apparently, Melanson taught the Yes Lock to Bryan, which is great. It still doesn’t make sense for her to go 45 minutes out of her way to learn the hold that she’s already been doing for 2 years.

Bella Mom is wondering where the hell Big Johnny is. She calls Nikki, who jokes that it’s taking forever before informing her that they’ll be there in like 15 minutes. Bella Mom calls Nikki a bitch.

Brie informs Nikki that Bryan won’t be at Wrestlemania for her last match. I thought that was the case, but it’s still pretty disappointing to hear.

It’s time for the wedding rehearsal. Bella Brother steals the moment by telling the family that Bella SIL is pregnant. Bella Grandmother tells Nikki to stay strong during her injury.

Nikki calls Big Johnny, “Dad” and that’s just weird. Big Johnny gets emotional as he talks about how much he loves the Bella family.

Brie wants to show everyone the layout for her house. She says that she wants 4 rooms because she wants 2 kids. Nikki is like, “I didn’t think you were doing kids.” Nikki turns into a bitch because Bryan is handling his retirement the way he is, and not the way she wants him to. Brie defends her husband, and says that she doesn’t judge Cena for the shit he does. Nikki then says that she doesn’t believe Bryan has been honest. Wait. What? She doesn’t elaborate. They just move on. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!

It’s wedding day. Everyone is getting ready. Cena arrives. Nikki and Brie talk. It’s the same argument they’ve had all season. Nikki thinks that Bryan has changed Brie, and that Bryan is a bad person for taking her away. She elaborates by saying Bryan controls her, and that Brie has sacrificed everything, while Bryan has sacrificed nothing. Brie defends herself and her husband. Brie says, “I never want you to bring up Bryan to me again.” Nikki’s whole basis is that, “when I see my sister sad, I want her to be happy”. I guess attacking her husband is supposed to make her happy?

Look, again, I don’t know if this is the real Nikki. I certainly hope not, but this version of Nikki is one of the worst people on reality television. Obviously, Brie is not in the best place right now. She’s dealing with a difficult situation that she doesn’t know how to fix. Instead of Nikki being supportive, she’s blaming Bryan for being in this situation. Nikki comes off as the most selfish person in the world on this show. Brie and Bryan moved in with her to take care of her following her neck surgery, and when something goes horribly wrong for Bryan, instead of sympathizing and understanding, she attacks him for handling it different.

There was a small chance that Nikki’s career would be over after neck surgery, and that’s why Brie and Bryan wanted to be with her because they knew it would be a difficult time. Bryan’s career did end long before it should have. He loved wrestling far more than Nikki, and had to work three times as hard. How can she not see why this is so difficult for him? Nikki doesn’t understand that people deal with things their own way, that people change, that not everyone is like her, or want the same things as her.

I could write another three paragraphs on this, but why waste my time? Again, I really hope this isn’t the real Nikki Bella.

Everyone takes wedding photos. Brie is over this nonsense, and ready to leave. Nikki pulls Brie aside, and says she is sick of fighting. She says that she loves Bryan. She doesn’t apologize for anything, mind you. Brie rationally explains everything and, I guess everything is fine. Well, that’s good. It really makes me believe that the whole argument was fake and that I got worked, but whatever. Better writing that anything on Raw right now.

Bella Mom officially marries Big Johnny, who will now be known as Bella Johnny. Everyone is happy, and dancing, and having a good time, and it’s a shame Bryan isn’t there.

Post-wedding, Bryan and Brie are back together. They’re heading to the doctors to do some type of treatments. Brie tells him that she wants to do a sexy bikini photo shoot before she gets pregnant. Bryan wants to do a sexy dick photo shoot before he has dad balls. Not sure that’s quite the same thing.

Nikki is also headed to the doctors to discuss her neck. She wants to be cleared for Wrestlemania, but, as we know, that doesn’t happen. The doctor says that she doesn’t need to wear the neck brace in public. So, why did she wear it at Wrestlemania? Based on her selfish personality portrayed on the show, my guess is she did it to garner sympathy, and take away Brie’s moment.

SANDRA THE SEAMSTRESS visits Nikki to make the Bellas some Wrestlemania gear.

Brie reflects on her career.

The end of the episode is basically a promo for next weeks Total Divas as it’ll pick up where Total Bellas left off. Yes, I’ll be covering that show as well.

This review is already way too long. Maybe I’ll do a Total Bellas season review/Total Divas season preview column over the weekend. I must hate myself a whole lot. Thanks for reading throughout the season and stick around for Total Divas.

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